Books I could totally write (if someone paid me)

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Here are two books I could totally write, if someone paid my expenses to do the research. I mean, traveling all over the world gets to be expensive.

At Alchemy, we blow things up before burning them.

At Alchemy, we blow things up before burning them.

The first one is called The Compleat Burner, and it would be a how-to book for hippies and would-be hippies who want to learn how to become a burner, i.e., someone who attends Burning Man and the smaller regional burns. Also how to say “burner” without flinching.

I thought surely someone had already written this book, but no. A search on Amazon reveals one e-book on what to pack for first-time Burning Man attendees, and there are several books about the history and mystery of That Thing In The Desert, but no one’s written a guide on burning in general.

This one would be fun basically because I’d be learning as I went along. Sure, I can camp in a field in Georgia for five nights, but I’ve never been to Burning Man itself (I just got shut out of the tickets sales for this year) nor even to another regional, other than To The Moon once. So you can see why it would be necessary for me to be funded to go to Flipside or Love Burn or even Afrikaburn.

The basics are the same, though: everybody operates by the 10 Principles, and while each of the smaller burns may have distinct personalities, if you can stay safe and have fun at Euphoria, you got it for all the others give or take a few terrain/climate modifications.

Here’s a brief outline right off the top of my head:

  • What is a burn?

  • The 10 Principles + 1

  • Basic packing list

  • TTID (plus additions/subtractions to the packing list) (mostly water)

  • Regional burns (websites, different flavors, packing requirements)

  • International burns

  • Burners Without Borders (and other extra-burn organizations)

Oh, and I would need a playa-ready RV for this. Road trip!

Yes, I stacked this rock at the Cathedral Rock vortex in Sedona.

Yes, I stacked this rock at the Cathedral Rock vortex in Sedona.

The second one is The Traveler’s Guide to Woo, which would tell you where the hippiest woo spots are in the country: Sedona, StarDreaming, the Georgia Guidestones, Cassadega FL, that kind of thing.

We’d start with a review of the Lyles REMS Scale Of Woo, which would allow even the most Existential Realist among us to approach these places and experiences with some degree of openness. (See below.)

For each place, I could give travel directions, descriptions/interviews with the people there; explain the particular strain of woo involved, maybe come up with a scale to describe the intensity of the woo; how tolerant the people there are towards nonbelievers and snickerers; specific suggestions on ways to engage the woo; places to eat nearby?

The point is that it would be a guidebook for Spiritual Mystics and Existential Realists alike. Those who truly believe they can feel the energy in a vortex will be able to consult it to plan pilgrimages. Those who feel nothing will be able to use it to prepare themselves for the ordeal.

This is one of those books that, if I were serious about writing it, I could start by doing blog posts and/or YouTube videos; it would be a spectacular viral hit (just like this website) and I’d be fighting off agents and publishers.

So, agents and publishers, avoid the rush—fund my travel to all 50 states to explore all the woo. I don’t even need an RV for this one, just a nice 4-wheel drive rental.

Here’s a brief rundown of the Lyles REMS Scale of Woo:

rems_full_scale.jpg

  • There are two axes:

    • The Existential/Spiritual axis is your approach to woo: how likely are you to grant woo an independent existence, i.e., how real do you think it is?

    • The Mystic/Realist axis is your response to woo: having experienced woo, how likely are you to accept the experience as valid?

  • People are not one or the other; as with most personality scales, you’re somewhere out there in one of the quadrants:

    • The Spiritual Mystic says, “Wow, holding that quartz crystal while meditating at Airport Mesa Vortex blew me away!”

    • The Spiritual Realist says, “Of course vortex energy is real, but this wasn’t it.”

    • The Existential Mystic says, “Vortex energy? Pfft. But I felt that one.”

    • The Existential Realist says, “Bah! Humbug!”

  • Conclusion

Discuss.